I want to shout, I am not lazy, I am exhausted from a chronic illness.

I am tired all the time. It is a constant battle just to do the things I need to do, like cook for myself and my daughter. I find it hard to get up in the morning. Not because I don’t want to face the day, I love my job, but because I have to muster up the energy to actually get out of bed. I sleep in on the weekend when I can just to try and get some of that energy back, although it never seems to really work…

I am sure alot of people see me as lazy. They come to my house and see that the carpet isnt vacuumed or the dinning room table is a mess. Or there are dishes in the sink. To you I say, ” I am not lazy, I am just exhausted from a chronic illness.” When it comes to deciding if I have enough energy to make dinner and put my daughter to bed, or vacuum the carpet, I choose the important things. They come to my classroom at school and see old science projects that need to be cleaned up and taken care of, and think, she must be lazy. To them I say, ” I am not lazy, I am just exhausted from a chronic illness.” At the end of my teaching day, I am beyond exhausted. I find it hard just to get the paperwork done I have to do for school. So that bucket of sand that I used on day three of school is still sitting there on day 12.

I do my best not to let this get the best of me, or for it to become my crutch. Most people that know me would describe me as a hard worker. I do what I can and some times more than I can. Those days I pay for it when I get home.

Aside from the constant exhaustion, living with APS is hard mentally and physically. every pain I feel, my first thought is “is this another clot” “is this pain bad enough to go to the ER, or can I wait a little while longer?” It can become difficult to live a productive life if you are constantly wondering if the pain in your lung is a clot that could kill you, or is this a migraine or something worse going on in my brain. Is this something that I am going to need to take care of or can it wait? Its like living in constant fear. And trust me its NO way to live. I try my hardest not to worry about it, but get “yelled” at by my friends its better to be safe than sorry. Well I don’t want to spend everyday in the ER.

I guess I just want everyone to know, I am not lazy, I just have an illness that makes me very very tired. Some days are worse than others. Even on a “good” day it is hard some times.

Categories: Life
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